So apparently I lost weight? Not much - about two kilo but still. I wasn't actually planning on losing any, I'm perfectly happy with my weight. Like, maybe if some of the fat in my ass and thighs would be so kind as to migrate over to my boobs I would like that very much, even though I might lose being able to sleep on my stomach. Dilemma, dilemma.

Also found out that our traditional Christmas meal is actually REALLY traditional: apparently my mother's grandmother already made the same stuff. So I guess in the future my youngest sister will host all the Christmas dinners, or at least cook all the food since she and my father are the only ones other than my grandmother who know the recipe.

It was all pretty okay, actually! I managed to be downstairs with the rest of the family for most of one day without needing to flee the room and hole up in a corner somewhere, so. Progress, I guess. And my nephew is looking more and more like a preppy hockey player each time I see him (i.e. the Dutch stereotype of a field hockey player: popped collar, too-fancy dress shoes, too long slicked back hair).

Also there was stuff that made me scream. Stuff that I actually had to think about and write down so I could process my reaction to it and make sense of my feelings.

So I wrote this:


On Christmas Eve, after gettin teary-eyed at the All You Need Is Love Christmas special my brother turned to me and asked me why I got so emotional at watching the program and didn't make it want me a relationship of my own?

I shook my head, wondering why I always had to just keep coming out. I'd thought it a done deal. No one had ever mentioned to me that it was a process. That you have to keep doing it, that you have to keep validating your life to these people who profess just wanting the best for you and yet keep missing 'the best' by a mile.

'Oh,' my mother said brightly. 'She just hasn't found the right man yet.'

I wanted to muster up all the rage I knew I was supposed to feel at that. Wanted to scream at her that if I'd come out as lesbian she'd never have said something like that. Instead, all I felt was tired.

Ugh, I am on neither Team Finn nor on Team Santana. They were both awful during this episode.

Edit: because I'm apparently more ragey about Santana's bullying than Finn's outing her (mostly because I must admit that I'm almost uncomfortably vindictive when incredibly mad and that if someone had been bullying me the way Santana's been bullying Finn that, had I known something like that about the bully I wouldn't have just softly said it, I would have shouted it down the hallways, and not in Finn's words):

- Santana outed Kurt
- Brittany outed Santana at least two times (the 'sex is not dating' conversation and the 'playing for another team' conversation)

The only difference is that now some adult man thought it would be an amazing thing to use in his smear campaign, and that is not Finn's fault.

Also I'm apparently still not over Santana basically telling Rory to go kill himself. I just. Maybe if she ever apologizes for something I might be able to give a shit.

I mean, tumblr is all over this shit and OMG at least Santana isn't sexually harrassing people like Karofsky!

And I can't believe I'm saying this (god do I hate Karofsky), but at least he apologized and showed genuine remorse. I've yet to see Santana apologize for ANYTHING. Not for physically assaulting Quinn, Lauren (although to be fair they fought back and trying to pick a catfight with Lauren was basically the dumbest idea she's ever had), Rory and Finn, making racist remarks to Tina, ablist remarks to and about Artie, insulting Rachel, Mercedes, Sam and Kurt's physical appearance and actually calling both Lauren and Finn fat, the whole thing with enabling Brittany to cheat on Artie by lying to her, making homophobic remarks to/about Kurt, actually writing an insulting song about Sam and singing it IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE GROUP and, well, basically telling Rory to go kill himself.

She's never apologized for any of it.

And then I made a list of all the horrible things Finn's done and as far as I can remember, the only things he hasn't apologized for (yet) are his horrible behaviour to Blaine and his outing of Santana. And, well, obviously, getting his straight cis male privilege all over everything.


Mother of edit: Okay, spent some more time thinking about it and why I'm still far more angry at Santana than at Finn and, well, this led to some uncomfortable realisations about myself. Can't help but feel glad that my capacity for cruelty is held (mostly) in check by my brain not being wired for quick comebacks (even if it isn't hindered in the least by empathy).

I have all these thoughts about the new season of Glee that I always forget to write down, but, after watching 3x02 I Am Unicorn my first and foremost thought is, Kurt, that silvery jacket is HIDEOUS. Like, Blaine's enormous pink bowtie hideous.

( spoilers for the first two episodes of season 3 )

My life: getting carded when buying Fable II (which is for 16+).

It is possible that I am going to be happy with this in a few years. Maybe when I've managed to forget that just last summer someone thought I was fourteen years old.


Also, favourite Glee song is still Rachel and Kurt's duet of For Good. They are so good.

So apparently in FFXIII-2 it's not Lightning who is the main character, but Serah?

...suddenly this game is about a hundred times more interesting to me. Although the lack of Hope in the trailers still makes me sadface.


Really Lightning, you're going to start following a goddess around and shedding feathers everywhere, you have no room to call the Warrior of Light anything.

I am having so much fun with Dissidia 012.

Vaan is awesome! DAT CROSSBOW. Also, 'You are sort of like an older brother. I get the feeling I had that before...' Oh Vaan and Laguna.

Yuna is so graceful, I love the way she moves. Kain's voice is NNNNNGH (though the Jump!spamming AI is really fucking annoying).

THUNDAGAAAARGH.


...Also, apparently crossbows really are better than machineguns, since Laguna gets outperformed by Vaan pretty much constantly. Really, the only thing you need for Vaan's chapter are Crossbow - ground and Crossbow - air, and Inferno.



Also I am shipping Cloud and Kuja so hard DON'T JUDGE ME. Their scene together was adorable.

Also also, since XII was my favourite and Vaan was one of my favourites in that game I am so happy with how they portrayed him. Sure there is the constant 'so, how old are you' but he is so down-to-earth and really the most pragmatic guy in the Canon Fodder party and I love that, considering he was also like that in XII ('uh, do you even know how to use that thing?' 'whatever, like we need your help, we'll just save Mjrn ourselves') and I am loving his interaction with Terra, especially since he respects her decisions unlike, uh, KEFKA, the little fucker.

Team Canon Fodder is generally adorable anyway. Lightning really dislikes WoL, apparently Tifa and Kain get along well, and Vaan keeps making fun of Laguna.



Also, Penelo is significantly less hilarious than in the first game D: Like someone said:
Penelo when Vaan is in: YAY I LOVE EVERYBODY <3
Penelo when Vaan is out: WHERE'S VAAN, NOT INTERESTED, GO TALK TO A WALL.
Though she still wants CoD so I guess nothing changes there.



And also, goddamnit I want those DLC costumes for Zidane and Kuja. DAT HAT.



Edit: Oh Cecil. 'I wish you'd show me your moves.' ...there probably is a world in which that sounds less flirtatious, but it's certainly not this one.

So, uh, hey, Saiyuki Reload.

What did I just read?


I - I mean, I actually like Hazel and Gat (so sue me). Ukoku can die in a ditch for all I care, but, um.


Is this the 'clonechild reads crappy endings month' or something?

Bad ending. No F for fabulous you.


ETA: NEVER MIND, turns out the scanlation missed some chapters./relieved.

- Wait, that was the end?!




...oh, fuck you, CLAMP.

Finally reading/watching my way through Pandora Hearts and it should surprise no one that Gil is my favourite character.

Also none of the people in this series are particularly subtle about what gets them off. OMG Sharon. "Get on your knees and beg" indeed.

...also also Vincent, your brother complex is showing. You might want to look into not sounding like you want to tie him up and have your wicked way with him i still ship it don't hurt me.